The Worries of a Father

A father worries a lot. I never truly comprehended the depth of this sentiment until I became a father myself. There was no reason to ponder this aspect of parenthood prior to that pivotal moment. After highlighting the constant state of awe and occasionally venting about unsolicited advice and demands from onlookers, I’ve taken some time to reflect on an unexplored facet of fatherhood—one that is rarely discussed by fathers themselves. While I’m sure many fathers engage in such conversations within their social circles or with their partners, it’s a territory I’ve come to understand intimately through my own experiences. Although I’m sharing these thoughts publicly, it also serves as a form of self-therapy, if such introspection is genuinely possible.

By self-therapy, in this context, I’m referring to the process of delving into one’s own thoughts, emotions, and mental experiences through introspection.

Benchmarks
Upon embracing fatherhood, you are swiftly ushered into the realm of benchmarks, or more formally known as developmental milestones. Given my work with the developmentally disabled, I tend to avoid the latter term, as it carries significant weight for me. Developmental is loaded to me. Naturally, everything feels just right when these milestones are being steadily checked off. However, despite my desire to immerse myself fully in the intricacies of fatherhood, I couldn’t help but scrutinize the idea of these milestones. The worry surfaces when time progresses, yet certain boxes remain unchecked and collect dust.

Benchmarks are designed to ensure that nothing is awry and that if any issues arise, they are detected early—a noble purpose. Parents are provided with month-by-month expectations or ranges. This is undeniably beneficial. However, it’s worth noting that, often unintentionally, these benchmarks can transform into rigid targets, as parents strive to ensure that certain goals are achieved within the specified timeframe. This approach differs from creating optimal conditions for natural outcomes.

Implications of Benchmarks
My reaction to benchmarks isn’t merely a concern for the near future; it extends to the potential consequences of unmet goals. I may be fortunate to witness delayed milestones eventually achieved, albeit later than expected. While this is not ideal, it’s certainly better than them not happening at all. The degree of concern is also influenced by the extent of the delay. The challenge lies in how these delays can accumulate, potentially affecting subsequent milestones that depend on prior achievements.

The threshold for what constitutes an excessive delay varies for every father. We all have our breaking points—those moments when we declare “enough is enough” and react in ways unique to our experiences. In some situations, we may not even recognize our own limits until we encounter unprecedented challenges. Moreover, the experiences we undergo with one child may shape how we respond to similar situations with subsequent children. There’s an element of mystery in how these situations unfold.

Ultimately, one of the most significant concerns regarding benchmarks revolves around the potential long-term implications of delays or unmet goals. As a father, I harbor dreams and aspirations for my children, envisioning certain milestones I hope they’ll achieve. One of those is to have bright children. Who doesn’t desire intelligent and accomplished children excelling in all aspects of life? It’s a shared aspiration among fathers. Therefore, the prospect of milestones not being met within the designated timeframes raises the critical question: What might this mean for my precious children as adults?

A counterargument might posit that bright, intended as a synonym for intelligent, is not necessarily hindered by the absence of some or most conventional milestones. In other words, having an intelligent or bright child may manifest in various ways that diverge from our typical benchmarks for what is considered normal. That’s a fair counter to the usage. However, my usage of it here isn’t meant to be dismissive of other applications outside of what is generally considered to be normal. Rather, it is in contrast to those that would be in the so-called normal range that are said to exhibit average intelligence.

A Sensible Approach
One possible approach fathers can adopt when grappling with these worries is to proceed with life without being preoccupied by the standards and criteria that must be met. After all, a child’s development may not necessarily hinge on the father’s actions alone. This perspective assumes, of course, that the child is growing up in a relatively typical environment. Thus, one can diligently strive to create conditions conducive to natural outcomes.

My advice is not to obsessively focus on achieving predetermined benchmarks, but rather to embrace the journey of fatherhood as a whole. While it’s essential to be aware of developmental expectations, it’s equally vital to allow each child to progress at their own pace.

I’m frequently reminded to cherish the early stages of parenthood because children will never again be as dependent on their fathers as they are in those early years. I wholeheartedly embrace this sentiment. I recognize that even as the dynamics of the father-child relationship evolve over time, there will always be a profound need for paternal love, whether or not it was present from the beginning. There is an irreplaceable depth to the bond formed when a father is actively engaged and consistently shares love and joy within the familial context. In essence, paternal love remains a crucial and enduring force throughout a child’s life, even as it evolves with time.